Unconditionality

It’s all you. If I could write an entire book in three words, those would be the words. This is the truth at its most basic level. You are everything and you are in a relationship with everything. We know this. But since humans are such complex creatures, we tend to ask complex questions. What if the answer was simple? What if life could be so pleasurable it becomes euphoric? An expression of abundance in every area. Something you crave and embrace at the same time.

What if contrast could be felt as simply a tease towards what you really want to experience? What if blockages are transmuted into catapults? And what if relationships could be easy, fun, and immensely fulfilling? They are. So then, why do we struggle? Enter the subconscious mind. During childhood, humans are in theta or alpha brain wave states, which is basically hypnosis. We’re open to suggestions which then become our belief system.

Our subconscious assumes this is the way life works. We continuously recreate patterns from childhood in relation to everything around us, whether it benefits us or not. Our subconscious programming controls 95% of the decisions we make. There are even some claims this number is higher. This is why positive thinking alone only gets us so far. In truth, it will always stop at the subconscious blocks we built up to protect ourselves from perceived danger.

This is unconscious and ignorance is bliss, right? Until you’re on your deathbed, reflecting back on so much love lost and blissed out experiences denied. What a waste of the only life you have in this body. Something deeper is required to break these blocks down indefinitely. And if you learn the art of unconditionality, it can happen faster than you think. Can you let it be easy? Are you ready? Growing up as an only child with an emotionally unavailable mother, and a father who abandoned me and never looked back, provided me with some awesome attachment issues.

What a weird way to say that right? But let me tell you, once you create harmony, you can’t help but appreciate what made you who you are. You feel love for the experiences that created you and honor them because without them, you wouldn’t be here right now reading these words. Really feel that. It’s true. My mother is an amazing woman. We have a great relationship and I honor and appreciate the expansion I received as I write about this experience.

When I was ten years old, I came home from school one day, excited to go ride bikes with my best friend Tim who lived down the street. I walked into my room, threw my backpack on my bed. I walked into my room, threw my backpack on my bed and called him on my pale yellow, corded telephone: “Hey Tim, what’s up? Ready to go?” We rode every day, up and down the same hilly road to see who could go the fastest without holding the handlebars.

He said he was ready. I hung up the phone on the wall as the long twisted cord tangled and swung below. Suddenly, my mom opened the door and rushed past me, slamming it behind her. She didn’t seem to notice me and was moving things around frantically. I asked her what was going on and she said, “We’re leaving. NOW! If we stay here, Martin is going to kill us! We’re gonna go live with your grandma in Washington.” Time stopped.

We lived in Tennessee. Martin was my stepdad. My third. I loved him. He was the closest thing I ever had to a father. He didn’t seem capable of that. I didn’t understand. Everything around me slowed down. I was surrounded by white noise as my mother loaded the minivan. I don’t remember what took place before we drove away. I dissociated. I wished he’d come home early so I could see him again. He never did. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to Tim either.

My mom let me stop and see two of my friends who lived in a different neighborhood. That felt safer to her. As we drove away from their house (they were twins), I stared out the window through wet swollen eyes and blurred vision, reminiscing. They were like sisters to me. I started to feel numb and like I was dying at the same time. I was powerless. My life just got ripped out from under me, and this wasn’t the first time either.

As we drove across the country, I stared out the window with my whole body away from her. I refused to speak. I hate you. I want to jump out of this window so bad. I imagined my body rolling down the highway. Would she even care? My young mind was sure the answer was no. She doesn’t love me anyway. I never mattered. She’d probably just keep driving. I would go on to create incredible things from this trauma. The next day we got stuck in an intense hail storm.

My mom turned on the radio and the announcer said there were three tornadoes that just touched down. They were all over level three and whirling around us in a triangle. We were in the center. There was nowhere to go. Huge balls of ice hit the windshield. The sound was deafening. And again, I felt like I was going to die. A familiar feeling. Look what I created! How powerful we are. I manifested three tornadoes around us. Not just one, but three.

Yes, I did that. And everyone else co-created it with me. I did not understand the laws of the universe at that time of course. It was physics. But that, my friend, is for another book. This pattern of extreme fear, betrayal, and flailing for security played throughout my life in cycles. I can easily identify these moments now that my eyes are open in unconditionality. When you become enlightened to the fact that you’re everyone and everything, there is a massive shift in your life’s path.

Your world is a reflection of what’s going on inside you. All the characters in your life are a mirror. No exception. Every single thing that happens to you, is you. You are repeating a cycle that for some reason you believe to be true subconsciously. Some cycles are programmed into the very DNA that created you. They can serve you or hinder you and it’s not right or wrong. It just is. We must satisfy our deep primal need to follow our subconscious beliefs right off the cliff of relationships, over and over again.

Remember when I say relationships, I don’t just mean with people. I mean with everything. After experiencing many tornadoes throughout adulthood, I avoided relationships for a long time. But I was done hiding. It was time to be “in” love! So, with the intention to clear everything in the way of the kickass relationships I desired, I fully opened. I met everyone from that moment on with an open heart and full faith that I was safe.

No more holding back. Things shifted in positive ways, fast. And then suddenly, every shadow I hadn’t looked at rushed in. I let it happen. I allowed the pain and discomfort and kept going anyway. It was glorious. I felt it first, then asked myself: Why did I create this? What need am I fulfilling? What belief is playing out? The key was to remember whatever happened around me, was happening for me. Whatever thoughts came creeping in were there to serve me in release.

I spoke my truth and expressed myself, even if it meant screaming into a pillow. When I allowed feelings without judging them or the other person, they magically disappeared. And my reality would shift a little more. What I didn’t realize is I got to create harmony in the most important and difficult relationship in my life—the one I had with myself.

You are water. Water knows there’s always a way around perceived obstacles. When you have resistance to a situation or feeling, you feel pressure. Your subconscious created dams to try to guide your experience based on your paradigm. Paradoxically, you magnetically attract situations that fulfill your cycle and you continue experiencing various levels of your own “tornado.” Now that you’ve read that, this is where all blame stops.

You create everything in your observation, including how other people show up for you. Unconditionality is learning how to love them and see them as the perfect aspect they are. If they get triggered, ask: “How can I support you as you move through this challenge?” Keep your heart open with compassion and forgiveness. When you’re triggered, feel it and let it wash over you in gratitude because it showed you a piece of your own shadow.

Yay! You may need to separate yourself from intense situations to recenter, but the important thing is to allow it to unfold and be a witness instead of a judge. As you do this, harmony is attained. As we feel pressure against the dams we built, we seek relief in the form of substance abuse, abandonment, self sabotage, blame, victim mentality, eating disorders, obsession, judgment etc. Steeped in trapped emotions that gain control of our perception, we choose fear over love and close down our heart center.

At this choice point, to avoid pain, even if it’s unconscious, you reset the cycle. You’ll gain temporary relief, reinforcing this choice was the “right” one and building the dam up a little more. The irony is, the dam itself is the very obstacle keeping you from the ultimate pleasure you seek. It happily and comfortably closes back up. And the cycle continues. The beauty of self-awareness is that we see that our “dam” is holding us back from the bliss of a full life, and we become 1000% responsible for our reality.

This is true unconditionality. We realize that even “accidents” are a co-creation of our subconscious mind in concert with universal laws. In this moment of realization, we make the conscious choice to be unconditional in our relationships with others, ourselves, and our environment. Perhaps this is that choice point for you. Let’s do it! The most important piece of doing this work is to realize it’s not about the story of what’s happening right now.

It’s not the tornadoes, it’s the feeling you’re experiencing. If you can learn how to feel without attaching a story, then you become unconditional. The same goes for how others feel. Perceive but don’t judge. When you judge, you recreate. Just allow them to feel, understanding it’s showing you something too. Maybe you feel overwhelmed. Feel that then. You’ll notice your mind will attach thoughts to these feelings to try to explain them.

Your job is to simply allow the feeling only and detach from the thought or situation. It just is. As you feel it fully, you have the opportunity to shift it into pleasure because you’re allowing your subconscious to fully experience a cycle it’s been trying to complete your whole life. There’s pleasure in the contrast. Allow those around you the same compassion. You become fully responsible for this moment you created, and in this release you transmute darkness into light.

The ultimate shadow work. The dam releases in an explosion of appreciation for your experience. Now you get to receive the flow of pleasure in that area of your life. Keep going!

Before we dive into practical application, I want to touch on the fear of feeling severe emotions. I can speak from my own experience of rape, physical and psychological abuse, and other trauma, this process worked for me when nothing else did. One day of allowing the feelings around being raped take over my body, and the negative charge was gone forever. But you don’t have to do it alone. A counselor, coach, or therapist is helpful.

If you’re involved in abuse of any kind I encourage you to seek support and focus on self care. Allowing abuse to or from yourself comes from deep seated unworthiness. I’ve been there. You truly deserve better. First of all, if you don't meditate, now is when you will start. Every day for 15 minutes first thing in the morning, sit and be quiet. Whatever type of meditation you decide, the most important thing is consistency.

This will help prime your self awareness when faced with the dams you intend to break through. Secondly, trust the process. You can pick one topic, or all of them. 1. Write down all the emotions you desire to feel in each type of relationship in your life. Do this in single word bullet point format. Keep writing until you don’t have any more. Remember to stick to feelings and emotions. If you have a hard time thinking of some you can look up a list online.

Don’t worry if your current relationships don’t feel the same as what you want. Just be honest and know that this is the way to harmony. Significant Other Children Parents Other Family members Friends Co-workers/Boss/Employee/Business Relationships Neighbors Acquaintances Exes, etc 2. Now take situations and treat them as if they were a relationship. Because, in truth, they are. What emotions do you desire to feel around these topics?

Single word bullet point format. Family/Kids/Home Life Money/Finances/Wealth Home/Space/Residence Vehicle/Transportation Job/Business/Career Fun/Play/Hobbies Body/Health/Vitality, etc 3. Reflection: Now think about your desired relationship with pleasure and journal a page about it. Why pleasure? This is the basis of all life—the driving force of why we’re here—to give pleasure and to receive it. It’s a word that makes us think of sexuality, and that is the truth.

“Sex” is what drives the universe to expand. But I’m not talking about the simple act of penetration. I mean the marrying of duality. Intertwining the masculine and feminine essence. The sensuality of that harmony that brings bliss beyond imagination. When we become unconditional, bliss can be felt when performing any action, or receiving any reaction. And, yes, when two people are self aware, this creates a whole different level of pleasure when it comes to intimacy.

But yet again, that is for another juicy book. 4. Now write all of the emotions you desire to feel about yourself. 5. Once you have completed all of the above or the most important topics to you, highlight all of the emotions you’re regularly experiencing in your relationships. The words that aren't highlighted give you a clear view into what you’re resisting. As you move through this process of transmuting, you’ll be able to highlight more of the words in each category.

Celebrate that! 6. Now set the intention to become unconditional. To allow others to feel, be, and show up in the world as they will. To understand that what you’re getting from them is directly related to what’s going on inside you. Set the intention to become unconditional with yourself. To realize that the feelings you have and perceptions you experience are there to serve you in this process. 7. Write these words on a blank sheet of paper: “It is my intention to practice unconditionality in my relationship with myself, my relationships with others, and my relationship with my environment, to create harmony and true wealth in my experience.” 8.

Sign it. 9. Now be willing to see the “why” behind all of those emotions you couldn’t yet highlight. As you allow uncomfortable emotions to surface, remember not to look at the situation or the story. Just feel it and realize you wanted to create this on an unconscious level. Remember your intention is harmony. Allow it to wash over you and reach for the pleasure of feeling it. If you need to, ask those questions: Why did I create this?

What am I getting out of this? When did this cycle start in my life? Trust this process. And as you do, those unhighlighted emotions will become more apparent. Go back and highlight them as they show up. True wealth will follow. The tricky part of this is letting go. You have set this intention to create harmony through unconditionality. The relationships you have already created will grow in different ways. As you shift, there will be negative feelings and limitations you don’t need to experience anymore.

You may decide to move to a new location, in which case your city is no longer needed. You may lose or gain friends. The majority will be able to create harmony within the connections they already have. But if a connection is deeply rooted to complete a painful cycle, it may not come with you. Know you are a magnet. What is a match to you will come to you. Be it positive or negative. Part of unconditionality is loving the endings too.

Feel the pleasure of appreciation for what they are opening up for you, and let them go in gratitude. The only thing you can control is how you perceive. Your reality is subjective. So is everyone else’s. That means they can only see through their shadow too. When you perceive someone through the lens of unconditionality, they become clearer vibrationally and so do you. You heal them as you see their perfection, free of judgment.

And since they are you, that is the best gift you can give to that version of yourself. Now, just make sure when you look in the mirror you’re giving the same unconditionality to your reflection. Once you have managed both of these things, enjoy the bliss and pleasure now available to you. You’ve got this. You’re perfect. I love you!